Ek Dua..

Ya Allah.. jab mujeh koi jineka shok nahi hai.. toh mereh sanseh ban kyu nahi hojate?

mera taraste dil peh daya nahi aati? ya.. yeh bhi ek khel hai tumhari liyeh..

Isliyeh banaya tumne insan ko? keh hamare haar tumeh hasaye?

Acha ji.. so yeh hai zindagi ka matlab .. hehe aur itne saloh seh greeks,arabs,indians,amercians.. sab zindagi ka matlab dundh rahe teh :P aur yaha khel meh meneh pata liya :O keh zindagi ka matlab.. kuch bhi nhi hai xP

ab janeh doh na sir :( tumhari pas pyade bohot hai.. unhi seh kam chala loh.. toda daya karoh ji.. is taraste dil peh toda sa daya karoh..

dil ladne seh tak gaya hai.. ab jawan nhi hai keh girne ki baad fir seh uth jaye

ab gir gaya hai.. yehi miti peh sojayega.. bas tum ek baar mujeh haan kehdoh na..

Mera ek hi Dua kabul karloh.. toh yeh hi karlena

LOL

I've never used lol to say I'm laughing out loud.. Usually thats haha >> yes I really do "haha"

So now I saw LOL because I feel as though.. I've been such a fool ~_~

Naive.. And foolish to be thorough..

How?

Ever heard that little quip.. "Fool me once shame on you.. Fool me twice shame on me"

He fooled me twice.. I trusted him again and I took another hit.. Good God I have never been so stupid in my life..

I can't even say I'll learn from it because LOL i'm going to die soo n xD

He couldnt even spare a dying woman any sympathy.. Uhh I talked to this filth? Not saying I'm any better.. Bt I could have talked to better people for sure O.o

I wonder how many people he told the lie.. I wonder if it makes feel like a man.. Ruining a woman's life..

Oh lord.. I wish I could meet him now.. I Swear to god I'd shoot him in the head and think of consequences later

Princess..

How many men call their girlfriends princess..?

Many.. But how many men treat their girlfriends like princesses.. Not by means of expensive gifts or spoiling them with compliments..but by loving them so much, caring for them so much, respecting them as an equal, trusting their oppinion, even when they walk away chase after them and apoligize (his fault or not) I can say out of my 32 bf's (yes I counted) Only one calls me a princess and treats me like one too.. And that truly takes patience and perseverance with a woman like me :P

Recently I did something.. Which I know was thoughtless :/ but in all truth I didn't mean any harm :(

But none the less the consequences are undeniably there..

Theres not much I can do to fix it.. And I know if I try I might make things worse.. Sighh *insert metaphor on qicksand here*

But I got angry at him.. And for the first time he really hurt me back..

He'd never struck me that deep before.. It felt like some one had pulled the ground from beneath my feet.. And he kept sprinkling salt on the wound he'd created..I know I give him nothing but sadness and misery and he confirmed it.. I know I've done disgusting things in my past.. And he reminded me.. The same boy who told me to forget it.. Brought it back.. These things cut me deeper then anyone else could.. And he knew they would.. But how did he know the impossible to hurt ms.sutel's weakest points? .. I told him and I trusted him to never use it.. He's a little like the US here.. Not knowing the full extent of the atomic bomb used it anyway.. I won't heal from this I know but lucky for him I have very little time and I'd rather not be angry with him during it..

Besides.. He did try to make it up when he cooled off..

I wonder if he knows all the things he does for me.. In all the ways he truly builds a castle for me..

I hope he knows.. I never take a single thing for granted

When we set up a time to meet he always tells me according to my time

To make sure when we argue our conversation always ends in Love..even when I can't he puts aside his anger and atleast pretends to joke and make things light enough so that we can kiss goodnight (his afternoon)

No matter how urgent he has to go he always hears me out before he leaves

He never complains about my nagging :o never once

His so easy to keep happy hehe :P he says it himself, "Cashew, I treat others how I'd like to be treated" although that doesnt always happen :P it happens for the most part and all I have to do.. Is treat him how he treats me.. And ofcourse I can't even do that..

I wish I could name every single "little" thing he does on a regular basis but.. That would mean I would never publish this post for fear of leaving one out

I almost have this doubt in my mind.. That some of the reason he used the A bomb on me is because I compliment too much :s his manly need to prove he can be bad too :P what ever it is.. I forgive him.. I think I can forgive myself for forgiving him too..

1 million +'s to 1 - How can I stay mad at my Prince?

Numb and Hollow

Not a very creative title eh?

hmm.. I'm not feeling very creative.. that's probably the last thing I feel right now..

I've never been so hurt before..

I could have trusted him with my life.. but one mistake and.. the tables turn?

I never gave any thought to armor when I was around him..

So when he turned around and lashed at me it broke something deep inside who's name I don't know.. who can't be mended.. but who I know is essential to feeling..

I think this could be shock O_o

I Could have trusted him with my life.. now it feels as though.. the second it hurts him he'll turn around and push me off himself..

Oh I trust him.. I trust his word..

But I don't trust him.. not with my life.. not with my heart

And now I can feel the tears with its grip on my throat.. but they don't come out

I guess I'm in shock

Rain..Rain..Come Again..

I'm an odd woman as they tell me..
I love the rain :D more than I love snow or hail or maybe even a clear sky..
I missed the rain all these winter days.. Don't get me wrong .. The snow was beautiful, graceful and stunning
But the rain is like a companion.. No matter how glittery and fancy anyone else is.. The person whos most beautiful to you is the person who is constant, who knows you at a level no one else does, who you would trust with your life, and if you were to go somewhere far away..You would miss them the most..  I can live without a snowy, or sunny day.. But I would cry if the rain left me to cope with every season alone
Maybe I Love the rain so much because I was born in vancouver? I spent alot of my childhood outside of the city but even where I stayed it rained alot..

My aged love for rain..

.



I was walking home from a long, tiresome day..
The wind was blowing and the grey sky brought out all the shadows in the faces of passers by.. You might not notice but I see in black and white.. An old habit from photography..So I noticed how their cheek bones would stand out against sunk eyes that stared into oblivion..thinking
My black umbrella concealed me from the harsher side of the rain which lashed at my cheek, creating delicate lines of red on my winter pale skin
I suddenly felt an overwhelming affection for this gorgeous music called rain.. It pitter pattered on my umbrella making me feel so at home and made me realize how much I missed the rain
I stepped over wet leaves.. Today was not a good day for heels.. I wished for the redrainboots I had in my youth but ofcourse I'd out grown them long ago
I was only a block away from my over the top house..
Damn I really hate that house O.o everything about it I hate.. The size making all the people passing by feel small, the brown colour half-heartedly trying to make it modest, the security camera trying to be intimidating.. If it were me I'd hit this house up just because the foolish owners think they can stop me with a single camera.. Then again many people call me a fool :P
I even hate the inside.. All the moldings painted in real gold just exuding greed, and gluttony
Huge foyer, huge banister, so many massive unused bedrooms..infact the entire first floor is empty
Yes I hate this house.. Yet I call it home.. I suppose simply because if I'm going to lie about having a home this is the most seemingly truthful lie

Anyway back to rain..

I realized.. I wasn't far from home so off go my expensive heels as I run through enormous puddles that soak my jeans till the knees and throw away my umbrella forgetting that I'm a medical student who should fear getting the cold .. That I'm a woman afraid of getting her hair frizzy .. That I'm a somebody afraid of what people might think.. I just know I love the rain and want it to completely encompass me.. Drench me and I want to feel the rush of cold as I leap into each puddle
I think about everyone who said they wanted to dance with me in the rain.. Every lover of mine without skipping a beat had asked me that.. So today I dance with no one because I have no lovers.. Maybe the girl with a black umbrella and heels does.. But me? No one knows this girl, this infatuated girl.. So can she have a lover?
Opening the gate I become heeled and umbrellad once more.. Laughing at what marie will say..and at that Rain loving girl..

Discontinued youth..

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived with a prince in castle in a far away land..

Lips a blush of pink.. Sometimes Bright red with a dabble of lipstick that suited her like a second skin..

Light brush of pink across her cheek bones..never had she had the need for a cosmetic blush

Eyes bright.. Either wicked or novel, loving or hateful depending on who you were.. And if you were the prince maybe you'd see, tears there too

Thick, silky gorgeous hair extended down the lengh of her back, stopping just above her bum

Tied into a high ponytail or.. If you knew her after she met her prince,  wild and free curling delicatly because it had been in braid the night before

Finger nails perfectly manicured without needing a salon

Curvy full figure and legs contrasting this theme nicely

Everyone called her a beautiful girl.. But the beautiful girl began to wilt and cry and slowly die

Her pink lips became pale..and a ghostly white.. And the red lipstick wasn't her bold statement..but the only way she could hide away that ghastly fright

Her blush was replaced by a sickly chalk and harsh pink makeup attempted to mask this disturbing fact

No fire existed in her eyes.. No malice, no pleasure.. Just tears and ice

Her hair thinned into an old women's, her best feature, that genetic master piece now nothing but wire

Shame caused her to twist it into a tight shallow bun

Each finger nail although still intact had a bright egg shell spot right in the middle.. A telling sign of a grim by her side

Her curved figure receded to very little.. Revealing a sharp rib cage.. And waist too small.. Arms too thin..and hips too wide

Everyone calls her the Once beautiful girl..the once beautiful girl..wilted and cried and one day..Died

Stay out..!!

You just skipped into my life again ~_~ skipped into my life without any thought..

After everyway I lied to you I wished and prayed you'd stay away from me ~_~

Why did I decide to be bestfriends with such a hard headed guy :/

Take the hint!! It says stay away from me!

Did you wonder how it would make me feel.. To see someone I had begun to honestly hope could forget me.. Waltz back into my burning world..

Eyes I thought had finnally dried after last night now well again with a fresh vengence vowing to rim their edge a blood red and give up a pure back drop for one tinged pink for war..

The angel girl..The weeping girl.. Weeps once more..

Why can't you just leave me alone..?

Just Hate me and get it over with..please?

For me..?

Daily routine

I wake up.. Just like most people do

I brush.. Just like most people do

I change maybe eat.. Just like most people do

And then I make my love's life miserable O.o

Very few people include this as part of their scheduale.. But for me thats exactly what its become..

I "suffer" from a cancer called multiple myeloma .. In reality what I suffer from is people's pity filled eyes :s

I mean don't get me wrong.. I'm sure they mean no harm and most of them don't even know their giving me that look.. But it really makes it hard for me to hope/pretend I'm going to be okay if I keep getting these warm, moist eyes saying to me oh god I'm so sorry.. I'll pretend to be nice to you .. Because its only for a little while anyway :P

So whats the alternative you ask..? And if you didn't you really should :s

The alternative is not feeling pity for me.. The problem or challenge I think is better word for this case .. Is that now these people decide its my fault :s I tell them I'm going to die and I get begged not to go O.o

.. I really wish I could just rip up my train ticket but.. Its not really a train ticket.. So stop asking me sheesh ~_~

Bt not everyones bad you know.. Their are people who get that I'm never coming back.. And decide to crack jokes about it :P not everyone can do it :s bt my friend macy sure can xD although she still gives me that look she often just tells me death at my age is great :D everyone including my parents satisfy them selves by saying I could have been great and I just cruise on compliments xD xP the woman cracks me up

Yeh I'm human.. Everytime someone mentions a pregnant woman, or kids I cry because I wanted it so much too..

Or when my love tells me bluntly that I make his life miserable O.o I dnt think I've cried so much in my life >> and thats really saying something :s

Or when I think about the time I wasted laughing and saying there will always be more days to make up for it later.. Yeh I cry then too

Or even when someone tells me how much they'll lack I cry because if they think their losing something.. I'm losing a hell of alot more

When my Daddy begs me not to go and he cries.. That jst kills me the most though.. When he cries I hope I burn in hell for it :/

I'm not bitter about death.. People tell me I think beyond my age.. Maybe for just the reason that my death looms so close in the near future..

Who knows? Maybe if I wasn't destined to die so "young" I wouldn't have met the people I met.. Loved the man I Love.. Do the things I did.. Or be the person I am.. I thank death when I go for being so kind and postponing this date so that I could do,say,feel,travel,understand,listen,Love,hate,adore,miss,demonstrate,recline,write,dance,laugh,hurt,smile,grin,see, and Live the way I did

Because it was amazing <3

My little bit of peace

A blue day..with green things and a puff of white in the sky..
You are this.. A simple pleasure.. W/o whom I coudnt know peace..
If this is goodbye.. If we shan't meet again..I'm glad its after seeing you that I die..
I've asked you so many a times.. to be brave, and to be strong.. I think you know now w/o me your world isnt going to cease..
So be that..and please be this..your self.. I ask.. I plead.. I beg of you..
My brilliant wonderful dashing boy..I only tell you what you know..I only tell you the honest truth..I loved you and I love you..I always did and I always do..

Hmm.. Love..

Tanhayi.. The hindi word for lonliness..

Bechani.. The hindi word for restlesness..

Pareshani.. The hindi word for worriedness..

Never have I known these words with a kind of fire that has them all mixed..

I couldnt even have imagined to feel such a thing..you've loved truly once before but I? For once I feel like the freshman..new at this thing called True love.. Undying love..Pure love..

Everynight I toss and turn..making excuses about a mild pain in my back..mild to the beating thoughts that thrash a cowardly heart..that frisk the depths of a soul asking me..what is love? What must one do for love..?

For a feeling like this I couldnt have drempt..I couldnt have even imagined I couldnt have even wished..

Our love..what a great thing..

Arghhhh

Why is that hes the only one who can make me furious and..I don't even know why -_- I know I should be more caring..more understanding..a time like this..I can't even bear to think how it might feel to watch the woman you love slowly..die before your very eyes..I guess truthfully it started with a little quip from my sister from another mr..joytie..it wasnt her fault either..she was pounding some sarcastic realism into me.. I love her for it but in the moment..it was really salt on an open wound..its funny how you can say something .. A few words and no and feel terrible about how they'll hurt someone else that in the midst of all this you don't ask your self..or you realize its going to hurt and you and you ignore..how your going to feel..how your going to be effected..how your going to deal, to live..my friend asked me how I did it so quickly..how I'm not dragging myself around all day, no makeup, mirror cracking reflection, sleepy tired eyes like the generic heart broken girl..I had no answer then..now I know its because it hasnt fully hit me yet..and I didnt really understand..how much it hurts..not even a sting but a slow deep controlled downward cut of a knife through my chest..I thought about how he had to go on without me .. Bt never how much the thought of him as someone elses broke every small peice of my heart..