Irritable

It's odd.

Sometimes i'm perfectly content with the mundanity of my life and other times I feel restless

Like i'm in persuit of someone that soothes it, that makes me understand it, that is meant to fill it, it being that itch for someone right, and not neccasarilly to fill my life or my night

I never find the right person

It's like being a child and loosing your parents hand in the crowd and searching and seeing a head and shirt that looks like one they have, only to touch their shoulder and see the wrong face

I meet someone hoping they can ease my restlessness. Listen, talk, understand and disagree the perfect amount. 

I usually find solace with strangers, the vaguer the details about them the more closely they fit the person I envision if that makes sense :P

The mystery, and magic some strangers have about them is utterly entralling, and most people like to talk about themselves and usually thats perfectly fine with me, but again, strangers are exhausting in their own way. The delicate balance between the distrust of stranger danger and the trust of i'll never see her again anyway, is quite a balance indeed

Those close to you always dissipoint in someway.. too dramatic, too boy desperate, too intolerable, too judgemental, too intrusive, too far, too talkative, too cold.

I think i'll have to accept noone person can fit what i'm looking for, instead, i'll have to be satisfied with temporarily having filled part of the mold, but never all of it simultaneously

Shankie's Music ~ Day 7

hehe mmmmmuuuuahhhhhh >:*< Goooood Morning darling <3

I'm off to some doc app or another hehe, but.. I wanted to leave you with a wonderful video i've recently discovered and very much adore!

Dinner? [-( nhi kiya toh karlo tab tak I take my kisi back >:P :P

I wonder how did your class go?

Tumne nap liya na? :(

aur :P without anymore nagging to do..

There story..

Eclipse

Voices croon into my ear, singing something about love,lost,hurt,someone breaking her/his heart, all failing to soothe the hollow feeling in my chest

Even the beatles can't bring a smile to my face

Again I recall the bitter-sweet memories of our meeting today..

His skin was stunning, sun kissed and golden like a summer day, no one could deny that his skin was dark but not it in the way most might think and some look.. His features weren't mared or hard to make out, he didn't look as if he was standing in a shadow.. He looked like he WAS the sun, everything about him glowed, and everything around him seemed to glow with the same life

His eyes warm brown like a cup of coa coa and so endearing that I felt my will to stay friends ebb into a distant hum, the corners of my mouth automatically turned up and my eyes smiled with a pure content happy only he could put there, the best way to understand how I felt looking at him would be to listen to "whole new world"

His mouth quirked into his signature shy smile, oh.. My favorite, I begged him for another, embarrased he refused sticking out his tongue, and I couldnt help a giggle

His expression changes from teasing and fun to adoring and love filled within a minute, Girls look even more beautiful after the break up, that split second after everything shattered me, outside I smiled at the compliment as I fought inside to my tears inside, I desperetly clawed down the urge to scream and sob how much I loved him, how much I needed him, how much I wanted him.. How I wanted to wake up next to him for the rest of my life

He looked down distracted by his friend's text, I welcomed the break, took a breath and steadied my self, looked down at my own friend's innappropriate question and grinned a little

He met my eyes with that charming mischevous look and I inhaled a little too quickly, taking in all that was HIM

He laughed, white teeth showing, open, confident, free, making my breath hitch and making tears spring to my eyes

He started getting busy, I took my leave being a supportive friend.. His glow eclipsed by the feeling of incredible loss

I let him go, yes its for the best, but you let him go.. Dumb girl, you let him go, and now theres a hole in your chest and in your world

No song, can try and fix that.

Over reacting

5 minutes pass - I roll my eyes at my own impatience

10 minutes pass - Cluck my tongue I don't care I simply want him to reply [-(

20 minutes - Sigh he must have gone to his lessons

40 minutes - I wonder what he's doing.. *imagining*

50 minutes - Am I being needy?

1 hour, 30 minutes - Okay, lets do something productive

3 hours, 30 minutes - *Check when he last checked messages*

6 hours - this is unlike him :( what could be wrong??

7 hours - okay there is something totally wrong!!!!!!

7 hours, 2 minutes - *Anxiously check when he last checked messages*

8 hours,  24 minutes - *Share a video with him* caption: Very intersting

8 hours, 25 minutes - *Check desperatly for any sign :'/*

8 hours, 27 minutes - His phone probably doesn't work, he was having problems before *Evil sub-conscious: But he sent you a message last time when his phone didn't work didn't he?? And if he wanted to he could have messaged you on one of the variety of social media outlets you so periodically check* F off sub-conscious he is not like that, he might have gotten busy, I'm the one who told him not to let me get between his work and studies, hah suck that *Evil sub-conscious: Sure dear but what if he couldnt reply..* What???? *Evil sub-conscious: Crickets chirping* What does that mean??????

8 hours, 39 minutes - *Whimpering* What does that mean..

8 hours, 55 minutes - *Imagining him deathly ill, lying helplessly, arms feebly streaching out above him, face flushed from fever, hair slick against his porfusly sweating forhead,tears pooling in his eyes,croaking my name, barely audible to the cruel uncaring world :'(* *feeling guilty panic spread rapidly through out me thinking I havn't even given him our promised meeting* *more dread and panic sinking deep into the pit of my stomach*

8 hours, 57 minutes - *Looking through his pictures* Oh my baby *throat thick with emotion* my baby :'/ not my baby my darling oh my baby boo :'/

8 hours, 58 minutes - He IS okay X.x He MUST be..Evil sub-conscious was always a bitch anyway :/ :/

8 hours, 59 minutes - Damn him he's probably too engrossed in his techi stuff to give one shit about what I must be feeling X.x Fine I'll feeling nothing too then X.x

8 hours, 59.5 minutes - Must.. Resist.. Urge.. To.. Care........

9 hours, 1 minute - *Rest my head in moms lap for some comfort*

9 hours, 30 minutes - *Cry quietly lips pressed tight, liquid slipping from my eyes down my nose and onto my cheeks, making them itch, Frustrated, Angry and.. As I slowly detect from the way my chin quivers and eyes leak more rapidly, Hurt too*

9 hours, 33 minutes - *mom uncharacteristically cradles me against her and kisses my eyes and cheeks which by now burn from my salty tears* only to make me cry a little harder

9 hours, 36 minutes - *Wipe my face* and *Frown* An odd coaktail of guilt,sadness,dread,despair, and maybe a hint of irrational regret, bubble in my chest* :/ *Evil sub-conscious: you're not even his gf now :/ why SHOULD he care??* This time I have nothing a *Whimper*

9 hours, 38 minutes - *Caring again* *Miserably lift my eyes to my cell* what if he needs me and i'm here moping like a baby??

9 hours, 39 minutes - ... *pick up cell check for messages* 2 messages from 1 contact *heart hitches, repeat a silent "please god"* *open* :/ its not him *fight the urge to hurl my phone against the wall* *deep breaths*

9 hours, 43 minutes - He's probably just busy with work..

9 hours, 44 minutes - *Evil sub-conscious: What if hes not..?* What??? *Evil sub-conscious: What if he was drinking and driving again..?* NO. FUCK YOU.

9 hours, 45 minutes - *Evil sub-conscious: But.. Ya never know..?* :/ fuck leave me the hell alone, not a good time *Evil sub-conscious: Babe the truth stings* :/ .. :(

9 hours, 46 minutes - Oh my poor jannu :( where could he be.. What if he got lost and a snake bit him :( *pushing away the drunk driving thought* what if he lapsed into smoking again :( what if he drank too much and none of his joker idiot moron friends thought to turn him on his side!! :'/ *Imagining being there to be able to administer CPR*

9 hours, 58 minutes - .. What if he did drink and drive :( *trying despereratly to push away the image he once idiotically photoshoped of himself streched across a road, eyes closed, blood near his head, and smeared across the road, bike on its side where it preasumably skidded to a stop.. The details clearer to me then his name spelt out in my writing a picture he even more stupidly decided to show to me :/ the girl who was newly and honestly head over heels, crazy in love in a way that was so new to her she felt like he was her first..* tried and failed miserably *Panic spreads through me like wild fire* *Deep breath he's okay* *Evil sub-conscious: What if he's not* STOP *Get up and Warm dinner* *Refusing to think, letting the mechanics of using the open gas stove top take over* * Wash hands* *Put down plates* *Eat dinner* *Wash hands*

10 hours, 45 minutes - *Check messages* *Refuse to think*

10 hours, 46 minutes - *Watch elementary*

11 hours, 50 minutes - *Play DS*

12 hours, 10 minutes - *Check messages*

12 hours, 11 minutes - *Try to study*

12 hours, 13 minutes - *Briefly miss my former best friend*

12 hours, 13 minutes, 30 seconds - *Briefly miss my dick friend*

12 hours, 14 minutes, 10 seconds - *Briefly miss my ex-sister/friend*

12 hours, 14 minutes, 15 seconds - I miss him :( should I message him again..? *Evil sub-conscious: Nooo he'll think you're needy, and a looser* F off I know :/

12 hours, 15 minutes - He's okay na..?

12 hours, 17 minutes - Pshht he's probably fine xD i'm just over reacting like ususal :P

12 hours, 18 minutes - *deep breath* *happilly scroll through we.heart.it (cuter version of tumblr.. I know I'm a looser)*

12 hours, 50 minutes - *See a picture I want to send him* *See a picture I want as a DP* *Download both* *Scroll s'more* *urge to look cute and korean* *Remember Shah Rukh Khan :">* *Glad to be brown again*

13 hours, 40 minutes - *Check messages* *Getting depressed* *Send message "hope yur okie luv* *Evil sub-conscious: see its starts, you're not his gf anymore so he has no interest, you're just another chick now* I know :( *Evil sub-conscious: he probably hates you, can't stand you anymore, love blinded him bahaha ;P now he can see crystal clear and you're not really a reminder he wants* f u :'( :/ I don't like him either then :/ *Decide to be cold forever :/* *Get ready for bed*

14 hours, 30 minutes - *Check messages* *lie awake listening to punk rock, all songs whos lyrics include "fuck you" and finnally Alicia Key's "Try sleeping with a broken heart"

15 hours, 18 minutes - *Remember the picture and my DP* Shit *Send it* *Begin to change my Dp* *See a new notification, 1 new message, from one contact* *check messages* *Him: you havn't slept yet doll?* *Happy tears prick my eyes, finnally exhale, suddenly feeling exhausted like i'd been carying a weight and only noticed now that it was gone* *Anger also flooded through me and then vanished* it could be so much worse, I just want him safe, sound and his handsome, wonderful self "No I was just a little worried" I say *Him: Everythings okay now, Go to sleep princess*

And so.. Now I sleep..

blogger

fuck.. why doesnt this thing automatically save

3 hours of heart soul wasted :D yipfuckingyeeeee

I Feel just Beautiful

I don't know why

Jem's voice crooning the lyrics from Flying High echoes inside my mind

I can't na na na I can't na na na I can't na na na I can't na na na

but, I'm Flying so High

High off the ground

When you're around..

I feel like laughing with my head thrown back so I do, I laugh with my head thrown back and look up into my own reflection and smile thinking, oh man, had you not walked into my life I would not have had such a moment of laughter or even the present smile on my face for..

a) had I not met you and heard this jem song it would have been empty to me like an uncut diamond would look like a plain rock to a jewler had he not been practiced

b) had I not met you I would not have seen the word "you're" as such.. I would have seen it as "your" and would not have smiled at the sweet growth you've incured in me

c) had I not met you, when I looked into the mirror I would not have seen my smiling eyes that you found so beautiful I would have seen a nose, a mouth, a skin, a person to be despised

But My honest one.. I did and I laughed and I smiled

and I searched up the word.. beauty

I don't know why but I did

"Beauty is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure"

I suppose this is why they say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

what one sees as pleasent or pleasing differs from another

but I must tell you My dashing one.. Being Beautiful to you?

That is just everything and all

hehe *small blush*

now don't ask me why about that.. or I will have to say

I just don't know :P

The Most Important Man In My Life..

They say the only man a girl can depend on is her Daddy

hehe I Love this Quote.. Time and time again when I've been disappointed by yet another man

I'm on strict orders from my shrink (apparently I feel dizzy because I'm under "multiple stresses") to write about My Daddy..

So here goes..

My father was a very.. complicated and incredibly intelligent man ;P

God feels odd saying "was" :s I'm just going to stick with "is"

Ahem here goes.. My father is a very.. complicated and an incredibly intelligent man ;P

How people react to him really depends on who they are..

But one thing no one can deny and my mother put into perfect words is,

"As devilishly handsome as your father is.. He's ten folds more charming"

This charm means everyone either loves him or hates and loves him hehe :P

Anyway as I was saying people react to him depending on who they are..

Women ~_~ I know It's just me and my siblings who cringe when people put that.. word and my fathers name into the same sentence, They begin to fuss, become flustered, or try to be seductive and act uninterested

But haha xD God bless My Daddy's Soul he was the absolute best at being oblivious at the most perfect moments.. either that or he acted oblivious either way it made me grin :D

Once my mother was out of town and although I look a lot like my mother now, when I was younger and my face was more cherubic, I looked nothing like Queen herself. My Daddy was attending a gala and I begged to tag along and say things like "oh that's very.. passe," look at old art, dance in long dress, and maybe even try champagne! After hearing my argument, he passed judgement that I could come so long as I didn't tease any of my Daddy's friend's sons. Of course at the young age that I was I quickly became bored and decided to spy on my Daddy. I saw him walking beside a woman younger than my mother and become suddenly interested again. I followed behind closer and listened as the woman said "Honey.. (a common nickname people used for my Daddy which he despised) I'm going to leave.." Even at 14 my eyes widened I knew what the woman was implying. My daddy's Answer? An "Okay" O_o Along with usual "Au revoir Madame"
Even without looking up I could sense the woman annoyance as she left without a word :P

Thats women.. Men mostly secretly adore my father, suck up to his face and slander his name behind his back

My sister, Sophie is more a mommy's girl I suppose.. Some of this having to do with the fact that she's nothing like my father hehe :P very sweet, very naive, very bholi, likes to cook etc.. sometimes I wonder if the directors of Bollywood films used her as inspiration for the stereotypical village girl, this is how my mom wishes I was and I think it amuses my father that I'm strong willed and hard headed like him :P

My youngest brother, Hashim is a little bit rough but unbearably sweet, and we both share my fathers sense of humor and talent at making people laugh.. This is probably why my brother looks up to father so much.. and they get along so well.. my younger brother has my mothers perfect incredibly undeniably charming smile, even when your angry at him you just want to laugh and cuddle him

*Yawn* Exhausted for tonight

I guess I'll finish another day